The Old Neptune's Ghosts

The Old Neptune, in Neptune Gap on Marine Terrace, on the beach at Whitstable, is THE place to be. It attracts all kinds of weird and wonderful examples of humanity. It's like no-other pub I've been in, Actually, it ain't like a pub at all - and that's why I love the place.

It's like an art gallery - several of the really-good local artists hang their works on the timber walls and people come in to view and buy art. And musicians come here too - bloody good ones - to meet other musicians and artists, listen to some toons, have a beer or two and chill out, man. It was in the Neptune that I met Mick Hill of Original Artists, and told him about my whacky idea for a book. When I saw the work this guy is capable of I knew I had found the man to help me out. He does amazing sign boards, they're brand new but he ages them so they look like they've been around for decades. The Guinness sign in the photo is one of his jobs- in fact there are examples of his work all over the Neptune, and all over the town (and some other towns).

And then he painted the cover art for the book. It's totally brilliant and ... err, as soon as a few people buy the book I'm going to pay him. I am. I think a change of subject is called for..... um, about the Neptune.... (there's a link to his studios/workshop below).

Another artist, Ron Chadwick, also displays his works on the Neptune's walls. He's known as Icon-Artman, because he does amazing - photo realistic - portraits of.... iconic figures, like Dali, Monroe, Marley and Lennon. I've put a few examples of his work in this article (he doesn't need the advert). For the best view of his work though, come to the Neptune. The quality of the light that comes in through the windows has something to it that you cannot get in any gallery. Sometimes you can see that people are torn between watching the spectacular sunset out of the window or looking at the pictures and other art on the walls and shelves. It's like Aladdin's Cave.in there. Justin and Emily put their pieces in the Neptune too. They make paper mache things.... things like fish, cats, dogs, people - all sorts. (linked below). Justin also plays brass instruments, and he often turns-up and joins-in with whoever's playing.

Well, what about the floor? If you've never been inside The Old Neptune before, that's the first surprise that awaits you. Newcomers never fail to comment , usually humorously, like: I haven't even had a drink yet, and I feel pis**d . They are generally pointing at the floor and the bar as they say it.

Y'see, the floor and the bar have quite marked uphill/downhill bends or slopes in them. One end of the old building has... er... settled down into the beach beneath it, while the other end stayed where it was, and is still. They've done all sorts of engineering underneath the floor and the sinking has, they say, stopped. Back about 15 years ago the previous Landlords pulled-out saying the building was going to fall down. That sent a shock 'round the town. But no-one reckoned on the Irish. They know a good thing when they see one, and, undaunted by the seemingly perilous condition of the place, took it over. A certain amount of hammering, sawing, cursing, heaving and laughter emanated from beneath the floor, for several months - or was it years? I forget now.. we ignored it anyway and the place didn't fall down. A few of us were quite pleased about that.

So now the floor's got a nice bend in it, and so has the bar. People walk in through the door and stagger, and have to lean on the bar before they fall over. It always takes them unawares. It's quite weird. They'll put their pint pot on the bar and gawp in disbelief as the glass starts to slide down the slope of the bar.

If there happens to be a band playing, the vibrations from the bass guitar or drums causes things to, seemingly of their own volition, propel themselves in various unexpected directions, usually downwards, in the end.

Often, the crash or bang of some ornament or jug diving off of the display-shelf behind the bar and hitting the floor prompts one or other of the 'regulars' to remark that 'the ghost is at it again'. The Neptune has a bit of a history of ghosts and unexpected weirdness going on, and the way the floor and bar are warped does nothing to discourage the peculiar happenings and imaginative explanations.

Even the most pragmaticmember of staff, the 'cellarman,' takes it seriously. He's witnessed a few odd occurences himself, and told me and the 5-0-Clock crew about it one day after something heavy (a plaque) hanging on a hook unhooked itself and crashed to the floor. It had been a quiet afternoon until that crash, and it really made me (and a few others) jump. We went over to investigate and one-and-all agreed that it was impossible for that heavy object to somehow get off of that hook. But it did.

So, sitting back at the bar that remark was made again:: 'the ghost's at it again.'

I expected the cellarman to 'poo poo' that, but he surprised me. He told the gathered 5-0-Clock Club members a story - and he had a straight face on when he told.

He related how he'd had to go and buy a new mop-handle 'cos the old one was rotten. He'd screwed the new handle on (good sturdy timber handle) to his mop-head and then did his mopping thing with it. And then he'd put the nice-new mop in the tool cupboard over there in the corner, and gone home.

At this point, Dixie (one of the Landlord team) entered the bar and was listening intently and basically nodding in agreement to the cellarman's story, with the odd 'aye,' thrown in for comment.

He went on with his tale, and we were all ears. Next morning our cellarman went to the cupboard for his new mop and What The!?! The new timber handle on his mop was bent! Like a boomerang! The cupboard had been under lock-and-key since last night, and nobody had been near his new mop but him, and the last time he'd seen it it was as straight as a die. And it was bent so badly he had to get another new one. Dixie agreed that he'd thought the cellarman was taking the p*?s, at the time, so the cellarman reluctantly had to tell him what happened.

Dixie looked over the bar at me and the 5-0-Clock crew and nodding, says in his Irish lilt (is that the right word - lilt ?) It's true, lads. That handle was like a banana. I had to pay for another one.....

And over the next few weeks, the ghost story's started to come out.

Back in the old days, when Whitstable's foreshore was very much a shipbuilding, oyster-dredging, maritime community, a great storm blew-up one winter and a ship went to the bottom with all hands lost. A terrible tragedy. The unfortunates who drowned were washed ashore along the beach where the Neptune still stands. It was a harsh winter and Kent was under a deep blanket of ice and snow, so the decision was taken to use the cold cellar of the Old Neptune as a temporary mortuary, for the twenty or so bodies of the fishermen. So they were laid there in the cellar.

Transport and communications were pretty much non-existent then,(1850 or thereabouts) and the winter lasted longer than had been expected, so the 'temporary' storage of the bodies stretched on for a few months until the thaw of spring came. And the bodies had begun to decompose. A foul stench filled the tavern.

Well, that's the story as I've heard it told.

Now and then a bit of a whiff wafts fleetingly through the pub, and dissapears almost as soon as your nose catches it.. It's become common-place to hear folks saying..... It's those bodies, rotting in the cellar..... The more practically minded heads into the toilets with bleach and a mop, but as far as I'm concerned (and a few others), that stench has nothing to do with the toilets at all.

I've actually forgotten many of the tales I have heard being whispered at the bar. Something they put in the cider, probably. But I do remember that there was a young lass that worked in the kitchen, and though she'd never heard of the Neptune ghosts she developed an unaccountable dread of the upstairs flat. Eventually, she refused to go up the stairs at all, saying that an eerie presence made itself known to her whenever she went up there.

And one of the previous landlords had a large alsation dog - fred I think he was called - that hated the cellar door being opened. It went crazy whenever it was raised, it would stare down the steps into the dark cellar and it was as though he could see something there. It would bark, bark and bark at the cellar. its hackles raised, and wouldn't quit going mad until the hatch was closed. If the dog ever misbehaved in any way, the landlord would point at the cellar door and tell the dog he'd open it if he didn't behave. It really didn't like that and would cower and slink away from the cellar door, to a position where he couldn't see it.

Poor old Fred....he'd be happier at the Neptune nowadays though - the cellar's hardly ever opened up as they use it for stowage space only. They've got a new ground-level cellar at the back of the building, that makes it a bit easier for the barmaids to change the barrels etc. On the subject of new bits of the building....

There are photo's over the old fire-place that show the various states the place has been in in the past. There's one picture that shows a large portion of the pub missing - smashed in by the sea that was breaking over the sea-wall with enormous waves.

I met an old bloke in the Neptune last week who was saying he remembered the days when the floor had hundreds of holes drilled in it. He said that customers used to wear wellington boots in the bar because the sea used to come up through the floor boards! He wasn't joking either! Can you imagine it? You're standing having a beer and the sea is lapping around your ankles! Surreal.

When you look at The Neptune from outside you can see why musicians and bands sound so good in there. It's a wooden-box and acts like a huge resonator. The interior walls are timber too, and the building has a resonating, amplifying effect on the music. I'm not saying that crap musicians sound good in there - they sound worse actually - but bands and artists and of course the audience really benefit from the way the place is built - it's wooden and has hollow spaces beneath, around and above.

My favourite time to be in The Old Neptune is on a Sunday afternoon. The atmosphere is so mellow.... yesterday is a case in point. It was a beautiful afternoon, and as the Sun lowered to the horizon, the whole place filled up with golden light - it beamed in through the windows and through peoples beer, wine or cider glasses, giving the impression that everyone was quaffing back pure, self illuminating, liquid, alchemical gold. It was as though the bar and everyone in it had been touched by a magic-wand. And then the music started. Yesterday it was Steve Bolton, performing as Boltz. I took a picture on my mobile phone..... it didn't come out too clear, but you get the drift..... look at that light behind him. If Darren (Landlord) hadn't pulled the blinds down behind him, he'd have dissapeared in the natural light-show. It was incredibly bright, dazzling. Anyway, Boltz is doing his most-bodacious thing.and the place is buzzing. When I look around at the gathered faces, i realised that most of the audience were musicians and singers.... and those that weren't involved in music-making were artists of other kinds, painters, sculptors, and yes, even a writer or two (me being one of them).

So, as you can imagine, the quality of the Old Neptune's performers is -has to be- the dog's wotsits, for such a discerning audience. And they ARE. They are. The brilliant musician Bill Clift was in the audience, and he was joined by all the members of the amazing band called We Ghosts - they performed on the Sunday here two weeks ago. And they were all there because Steve Bolton is one of those first-rate performers.who you just have to see. This pub is crazy..... I mean, what other pub puts on world-class acts like these, on a regular basis? Friday and Saturday too, it ain't just Sunday. Boltz has played with The Who. He's performed on many, if not all of Paul Young's Albums and gigs. He is genuinely World Class! And in my local boozer! I can hardly believe it sometimes. It's the only place I know of that puts on a Mardi Gras night every year.

I was sitting there one rainy day a few years back, looked to my left at the bloke on the stall next to me, and it was Suggs (Madness). He was chatting with Tony Cool behind the bar, about the poxy weather. All very normal in The Old Neptune, nothing to write home about (I was at home anyway). Chris Evans strolled in one day with his wife and kids, sat at a table and had a quiet family lunch. No one batted an eye. There's an autographed portrait of Peter O Toole on the wall and a small brass plaque on one of the benches where he sat. The Old Neptune was used as one of the locations for the film Venus, Mick Hill was an extra in the film, and is in a background shot as a customer. They've put a p**s take plaque on the bench where Mick sat in the film. Hee hee.

To keep up the pub's well-deserved reputation for off-the-wall-ness, and doing things other pubs can't imagine, I am proud to announce that The Old Neptune now stocks a few copies of my book, The Humanoid Landscape. So, not only can you go there and purchase objects de art, of the types mentioned above, you can now buy a world changing book! Hurrah! The Neppy does it again!